The Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound around the middle of December and it was one of the scariest things I have ever done.  While most women love ultrasounds this one was quite hard for me.  It was at my last ultrasound that we learned, with no warning, that we lost our little girl.  ultrasound and the more in depth one immediately following were some of the hardest moments of my life.  So I knew that this latest ultrasound would be scary for me.

The condition I had during my last pregnancy (gestational trophoblastic disease) is very rare, but because I've had it once before my risks increased quite a bit.  The chances that I would have the condition again were still relativly low (around 2%), but considering it's in the thousands for most women this still felt pretty daunting.  And I knew that I wouldn't likely know if I had it until that first ultrasound.  It felt a little crazy trying to live my life and just hope that everything was normal during that first month and half all the while not really knowing if my baby was still alive and growing or not.  With each passing day came another daily surrender to trust in the Lord...for our baby, for my health, and with all my fears.

And as the ultrasound got closer I was flooded with memories of those hard days loosing our baby and also of God's faithfulness during that hard time.  The day of the ultrasound our good friend watched the kids and Joe and I were able to go alone together. To tell you the truth I was a bit of a mess...not a hysterical, emotional kind of mess...but an introspective, can't talk, gentle tears, quiet sort of mess.  I spent a lot of time praying and begging the Lord to just get me through.  And even though being at the doctor's office made me even more nervous I was really comforted by my nurse and doctor there...because they understood.  They had been through it all with me the last time around and they knew what I was feeling without much explanation needed.  In fact, when I told my doctor how I was feeling she admitted to me that she was also feeling quite anxious about my ultrasound.  One might think that would have made me feel worse or more nervous, but it actually made me feel better somehow...because she knew better than anybody what my risks were and she made me feel understood and somehow less crazy.

So my doctor hurried though all the basic stuff at the beginning and right before the ultrasound she had a good little talk with us...and we agreed together not to worry about the worst unless the worst happened.  And then she started the ultrasound and I felt a bit frozen with fear at first...the moment right before you hear news that will forever change your life is the hardest.  In fact I couldn't even look right at the screen...I sort of just turned about and looked out of the corner of one eye.  And almost right away popped up a clear image of our baby and it was really only seconds later (if that) that my doctor announced that she had found our beautiful baby.  I started to relax a little, but I was still waiting to hear the heartbeat.  And then moments later my doctor announced that the baby had a healthy, strong little heartbeat!  It was then that I fully turned and somehow squeaked out the words, "He has a heartbeat?"  The doctor confirmed that again and showed us where we could see the heart beating and then reminded us of course that she couldn't tell yet if it was a boy or girl!:)  I couldn't care in the slightest...all I cared about what the sweet sight of that little heart thumping!  So far as they could see then everything with the baby looked healthy and perfect.  She looked all around and couldn't see any signs of the condition I had last time (which was an incredible relief)!  Yes, such sweet relief!

I went back a month later (just a few week ago) and I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time!  It took them just a little bit to find it (which they made sure to tell me ahead of time would be perfectly normal) and it was wonderful...truly amazing!  It really is incredible to know that there are currently two hearts beating in my body.  It's possible I've never heard a sweeter sound!

Our big ultrasound is scheduled for Feb. 18th (though this first one was pretty "big" in my book).  While there are no signs of the condition I had last time that doesn't mean that we are "out of the woods" by any means.  I think that loosing Joy has made me realize that nothing is guaranteed and that life really is a miracle beyond what I can fathom.  I'm looking forward to the next ultrasound and I am nervous for it too.  Our hope, of course, is that they find a perfectly healthy baby.  If the result is something else that will be hard, but God has proven Himself faithful before and I believe that He will be faithful again.  And for now I can only be thankful for what the Lord has done.

Our Christmas Card

Here's our Christmas letter for those of you who missed it (and for me to remember)!

 

Merry Christmas to our friends and family near and far!

           Well, I think it's safe to say that 2012 has not gone exactly as we had planned.  In fact, one of the biggest things that God has been teaching me this year is that His ways are not always my ways!  Of course I "knew" this before, but He's really driven the point home this year!:)
            As we started the year we were perfectly happy to put 2011, with all its heart break, behind us.  We were feeling a little stronger and quite hopeful.  And then hit the 3 months of illness!  I don't know if our immune systems were just worn down from the year before of if God just wanted us to rest, but rest we did since there was nothing else we could do!
            And right smack in the middle of this time came some major changes within the Lifelines ministry.  In the past year God has expanded the vision of our Lifelines National Leadership Team (which Joe and I are both a part of) and suddenly last winter God confirmed our vision and gave us all that we had been dreaming of through a series of meetings with our Campus Crusade for Christ national directors. We were (and still are at times) a bit stunned and blown away by God's goodness to our ministry and how quickly everything moved!  And with the changes and expanding of Lifelines came a number of literal moves as pretty much all of our Lifelines staff across the country have moved (or are in the process of moving) to new locations this year!  To be honest, we didn't know exactly what this would mean for us.  We absolutely believed in the new direction that Lifelines was moving in , but the thought of leaving our home was really difficult.  But out of the blue things changed again when we ewre needed to direct our summer program out in Colorado.  And in doing so we were able to put off making a more long term decision.  So we spent our summer in beautiful Colorado leading a great team of staff and students there.
             Our summer was filled with lots of travel including going to Colorado, visiting my parents in Wisconsin along the way, a camp vacation with Joe's family, and an amazing trip to Alaska in August!  Although we were exhausted the trip to Alaska was such an incredible expereince for us.  It was our first time leaving both children for more than one night (we were gone 10 days) and although most of the trip was for work we were able to enjoy a few extra days celebrating our 10th anniversary a little early (the real thing is this January)!  Hiking, fishing, a sled dog ride, and the most amazing glacier cruise were among the highlights!
              When we finally made it back from all of our summer travels we were excited to be back home and jumped right into preparing for the fall with our students.  This fall was really different for us in many ways.  We have been the only Campus Crusade staff here because the rest of oru team already made the transition to working with the Lifelines Resource Team in Plymouth, NH.  This meant that ministry on campus looked a lot different (in both good and hard ways).  We lead less large group trips and we focused more on small outreach trips. leading small group studies, and having students over to our home more.  Fall was also busy for us as we started homeschooling Lily for the first time, Eli started preschool, and Joe started coaching Lily's soccer team!  Lots of changes both big and little!
               And the changes didn't stop there.  After taking much of the summer and fall to consider options for our family in ministry and beyond it became abundantly clear to us in October that the Lord is leading us to stay with Lifelines full time and to make the move to New Hampshire in the new year!  This has been a hard and emotional decision, but both Joe and I feel so much peace that this is what the Lord has for us.  It wasn't in our plans, but we believe that the Lord is asking us to take some risks and follow Him. I can only believe that in doing so He will take care of us and do more through us and our ministry that we can even imagine right now...at least that's our prayer!:)  So, we'll be moving to New Hampshire late spring/early summer of this next year...crazy!
               And if that weren't enough God had one more little surprise for us!  A few weeks after we made the decision to move we found out that I am pregnant!!!  We had been thinking and talking and praying all summer and fall about if and how God might have us grow our family.  We were considering both having another biological child and also considering adopting internationally.  To be honest we didn't feel a lot of direction in this area and with all of our other life changing things going on in our lives we sort of just put the decision about expanding our family on the back burner.  So when the pregnancy test turned positive and the nausea set in a few days later we were in a little bit of shock!  Though I am feeling pretty sick we are thrilled that the Lord would just go ahead and make the decision for us and choose to bless us in this way!  Baby Cousins is due in July!
                Such big changes for our family and I can only be relieved that God is in charge of it all!  Here's a little bit more about what's been going on with each of us this year...

Joe:  Joe has continued to be busy leading the ministry here at U-Maine as well as serving as a deacon in our church this year.  Combined the two have kept him quite busy most nights of the week.  He recently agreed to be the Lifelines National Medical Director and is excited for the opportunities he will have in the coming year and years to train our staff medically and to use the medical skills he is gaining to God's glory throughout New England.  Joe has also enjoyed continuing to be a volunteer firefighter in our community.  And if that weren't enough he also coached Lily's soccer team this fall and has been leading a homeschool ecolory class for Lily and a few of her friends.  In what little free time he has he has been enjoying canoe and boat trips with the family!  These days his free time seems to be consumed by looking for a house in New Hampshire!

Angie:  This has been a very creative year for me and I have really enjoyed doing lots of little creative things with the kids and around the house!  I'm learning how much I really do enjoy making things.  I've also continued to spend a lot of time doing photography including taking my first editing class and having my biggest photography job ever this fall photographing all of the soccer teams for our town rec department.  I became a teacher as well as we started homeschooling Lily and as I have been helping my friend lead a homeschool group in our community.  I've continued my work as one of the Lifelines HR directros and have enjoyed leading a group of women from U_Maine each week.  These days when my head isn't spinning from adjusting my plans to God's plans I have been spending a lot of time napping and resting and trying to ignore the constant nausea that our little babe is bringing!:)

Lily:  Our sweet, feisty little red head turned 5 this year!  Lily finished Pre-K at a school on campus and loved every second of it.  This fall she started homeschool kindergarten and has been enjoying that as well (at least most of the time).  She loves the homeschool groups we are a part of, art, the weekly library club she goes too, and is really excited about learning to read (even if it can be a little frustrating in the process)!  Lily also played soccer for the first time this year and continues to love gymnastics.  She's fascinated with fairies, has discovered a love for jeans (as long as they have sparkles), and can often be found crafting and creating from things she finds around the house!

Eli:  Our cuddly, stubborn, funny boy just turned three!  He makes us laugh more than just about anybody and we were thrilled that he really started talking this year (and now makes us laugh even more)!  Eli started preschool this year two days a week and has been loving it.  The rest of the week he joins us doing homeschool.  Eli already loves sports and doing just about anything active...he was very disappointed that he didn't get to play soccer this year with Lily.  He also loves trains, guns, playing house and store with his sister, and sword fighting!

Indy:  Our much loved almost 9 year old pup had a rough year.  He has severe arthritis in one of his front legs and this fall it got so bad that he couldn't put any weight on it and was in quite a bit of pain.  We were days from putting him down when a new supplement starting kicking in and he made an amazing recovery.  He no longer has a limp and is even able to go on walks again!  We don't know how long it will last, but we are thrilled to have more time with our big baby.

               So, that's a little bit of our whirlwind year (though I'm sure that my "pregnancy brain" is not remembering everything!  Through it all though I am reminded of how much I trust the Lord.  He has been so faithful to our family through the years and as we step out and trust Him I believe that He will be faithful once again.  As we look forward to Christmas and celebrating the birth of His son we can't help but once again be so incredibly thankful that God came to be with us!  Merry Christmas!

                                                               Love, The Cousins

Dear First Trimester

Dear First Trimester,
           You have pretty much sucked the life right out of me.  It's been well worth it for the healthy little baby growing inside of me.  Now, however, I am done with you.  Please take your friends nausea and total exhaustion with you.  In the past you have let them linger for another month or two, but I can assure you I have no need for them anymore.  I have a baby to grow, two young children to mama, an exhausted husband, work to do, homeschool to teach, friends who miss me, a house to sell, and a home to find (and don't even get me started about the laundry)!  Thanks for these couple of months.  Now hit the road...I'm finished with you and your friends.
            Love, a very thankful and very sick soon-to-be mama of three!

My Little Superhero!

Eli has become very interested in superheros lately!  So for his birthday I made him his own superhero cape and mask.  He loves to fly around in his costume, leap from the coffee table (onto the couch), or wield his nerf sword or laser gun to fight off the bad guys and save the day!  I'm just not sure he can get any cuter!

Little Rock Climbers

In November we went to our annual regional staff conference in upstate New York.  It was a good conference, we got to see many wonderful friends, we managed to stay healthy, and the kids did great in childcare!  Personally I slept awful and felt pretty sick most of the time, but at least everybody else had a great time!

  The camp we stay at for the conference has an indoor rock climbing wall and we spent a little time there one afternoon with the kids!  Lily was a little apprehensive at first and you could tell she was nervous as she went.  But she did it and kept going and when all was said and done I think she enjoyed it...I see so much of myself in her. 

 And then there was Eli.  He was too little (by the camp's policies) to wear a harness and climb with ropes, but he was perfectly happy just to climb around on the walls.  That one has very little fear and might have climbed half way up the wall if we let him...guess which one of us he takes after?:)  

Getting a little encouragement from Dad!

Our Simple Christmas

Christmas (and the whole holiday season really) was pretty simple for us this year.  It's not that I planned it that way (or even necessarily wanted it that way) but that's just about all I could do.  Some days I barely feel functional and can't get through the normal routine of the day...so adding in a lot of extra holiday activities was hard.  So simple it was.  We still did most of our traditional Christmas traditions.  We still cut down our own Christmas tree (though pickings were quite slim this year) and decorated it...I just didn't take any pictures (shocking, I know)!  We still decorated the house (well, most of it)...even if it took us four days to do it!  We still did our advent calenders and counted down the days until the birth of Jesus...and the kids barely noticed that the first 10 days were filled with Halloween candy because I couldn't drag myself out to the store!  We even managed to fit in just a couple of Christmas crafts- we made homemade snow globes and a felt Christmas tree with felt ornaments that the kids could decorate and redecorate with.  We were able to do these only because they were ideas that I had last Christmas (and had already bought everything for) that we never found time for last year!  And our homemade Christmas ornament this year was a simple salt dough circle stamped with a snowflake- and the kids were able to do almost all of it themselves!  The ornaments were the only thing in our giving basket though this year because this mama just couldn't do much baking.  Lily was in her first Christmas concert this year through the library program she was a part of and it was so sweet to watch her sing out at the tree lighting (though I am sad that I didn't get any pictures of it).  And so we did manage just a little bit of preparing and celebrating each day (though in many cases it was the only thing I did that day)!

And then my parents came!  Oh, I can't even tell you how excited I was to have my parents join us for Christmas this year- not only did it give me more opportunity to rest, but I also just knew that mom would make everything a little extra special for the kids when I couldn't!

So a day or two after they arrived we made gingerbread houses!  I have never done this before and I have to say that it was SO MUCH FUN (and I finally managed to start taking some pictures)!

Assembling the houses! Sampling the "glue" while we waited for the houses to dry!  

Mom and Eli did one gingerbread house and Lily and I did the other.  

Lily was quite good at decorating! All told we probably worked on them for a couple of hours...I couldn't believe how long it held their attention!  

Here is Lily with her finished gingerbread house! Isn't it beautiful?!  

My favorite parts were the Hello Kitty looking through the window, the wreath my mom made, and the gummy bears ice skating on the rink in the back (which was all Lily's idea)!  

And Eli did so great on his gingerbread house...he really loved decorating with the colorful candy balls (they were everywhere)! Eli chose all the decorations himself and we all loved the driveway with the cars in it! I really loved doing the gingerbread houses (even if I did feel very sick the rest of the day) and I think it's a tradition we'll keep! Lily's gingerbread house survived for a few days until a day or two before Christmas when Bubba (my dad) accidentally knocked it off the shelf it was on. Lily was a little sad until she realized that she could then eat it!:) Eli's lasted only a bit longer because on Christmas Eve while we were at church Indy ate the roof off of his! The day after we made gingerbread houses we drove down to the Boothbay Railroad Museum to ride the "Polar Express!" We rode a different "Polar Express" last year and this once was shorter and more simple, but was still really sweet. Eli, holding his ticket here, really loved it and was especially interested in the real steam engine and all of the steam it made as we rode! After riding the train for a bit we stopped for a break where we got hot cocoa, cookies, a Christmas story...  

 And a quick visit from Santa!  What a fun little Christmas outing! And after our train ride my parents treated us all to an overnight stay in Freeport at the Haraseeket Inn. I didn't take any pictures, but it was such a lovely Inn and the kids loved staying there right in the heart of Freeport. We enjoyed a scavenger hunt, a full afternoon tea, tasty meals including a beautiful brunch, a swim in the pool, and even milk and cookies before bed. That evening we went down to LL Bean to watch their outdoor light show which was really fun and do a little bit of shopping. The next day I ended up feeling pretty sick and stayed in the room while everybody else roamed about Freeport. Despite that it was a fun little trip! After our trip to Freeport we stopped to visit with Joe's parents and do a little early Christmas celebration! We arrived home the night before Christmas Eve and began to get ready. This year we did Elf on the Shelf and while we didn't emphasize the naughty or nice thing too much our kids had a blast searching for our Elf "Marco" each morning! Every now and then through December I found the energy to get a little creative with him, but when my mom arrived she took over elf duties and did a great job finding creative things for Marco to do! This one on Christmas Eve was my favorite...Marco have a marshmallow snowball fight with his angel friend!:)  

And one of my very favorite parts of Christmas is Christmas Eve service at our church...here Lily is all ready to go. And this year we almost made it through the whole service with the whole family. But alas, Eli started to loose patience the last 10 minutes, and for the 3rd year in a row Joe missed singing Silent Night by candlelight because he was in the nursery with Eli. Well, at least we got closer this year!:)  

And then there was Christmas day. I might dare say it was a wonderful day. We decided to keep things simple this year and stay home all day! With my parents we opened stocking and presents at our leisure. We enjoyed mom's homemade cinnamon roles and saved the big meal for later in the afternoon- and even that was actually quite simple. It was a simple and relaxed day. In the afternoon Joe took the kids ice skating while I stayed home and rested. There was a lot of playing with new toys and just enjoying being together. And for me? Well, Christmas day was probably the best I felt in about two months...in fact I didn't start feeling really sick that day until right before the kids went to bed and I just can't help but believe that it was God's special little Christmas gift for me! I didn't take too many, but here's a little glimpse...

Our Christmas was pretty simple and I missed doing some of the extra little things, but two of my favorite Christmas memories centered around the One who makes Christmas what it is. The first was on Christmas Eve. I was trying to get Eli to go down for a nap because I knew we would be out late at church. Eli has been having a hard time napping lately and that afternoon he was insisting that somebody stay in his room with him (Lily had been sleeping in his room while my parents were visiting and he had gotten used to is). I explained to him that I couldn't stay with him, but that he didn't need to be afraid because God was with him. Honestly I didn't really think he would understand, but right away he got the sweetest smile on his face. I explained a little more that God was with him, that He loved him, and that He would protect him and not leave him. Right away Eli seemed at peace and took a nice little nap without any other concerns. Quite often since that afternoon Eli now asks if God is with him in his room and each time I reply yes he gets that same sweet little smile that spreads over his face! My other favorite Christmas memory came Christmas day. It's been my family's tradition since I can remember that baby Jesus isn't placed in the nativity until Christmas Eve or Christmas day. We've done the same thing here with one of our nativity sets- it's just a simple thing to remind us of what we are really celebrating. Well, Christmas day I looked over at the nativity and noticed that baby Jesus had carefully been placed there. I assumed that my mom did it. She assumed that I did it. Really it was Lily who had remembered before anybody else that Jesus had been born and that he needed to be placed in the manger and she did it all on her own without anybody else knowing. I am so thankful that God used our beautiful children so remind us so beautifully of the real meaning of Christmas! So whether it was simple or elaborate we hope that you had a wonderful Christmas too!