One Year

It's been one year since we lost our baby girl, Joy, before she was born.  One year.  Already.  That seems impossible.  But that year has come and gone.  And the sights, sounds, and activities of August have taken me back to that time one year ago.  And I am reminded of the pain I was experiencing.  And to be honest the sorrow of loosing our daughter has not gone away.  I just don't think it ever will.  I think the loss of her is something I will carry with me the rest of my days here.  It does feel different, of course, a year later...less jolting and all consuming.  The tears still come from time to time, but there are more days of, well, joy than there are days of tears (though the two certainly go hand in hand at times).  

You know how families say, after having their 2nd or 3rd or 7th child, that their family just feels complete.  Well, I've come to realize that, with the loss of Joy, that I will just never feel that way.  I had a moment last fall when our family was out for a little hike in the woods in our home town.  We were walking the trails along the river and it was just the perfect Maine fall day.  The kids and Joe were up ahead of me a bit running and laughing and it was just one of those really special (almost perfect) moments.  And still I just couldn't help but feel that she, Joy, was missing.  It didn't cause me to feel angry or even sad...because it was still a beautiful moment, but it just caused me to realize that our family will never exactly feel complete this side of heaven...because I know that she is missing.  Of course I won't feel that every moment and it's not something to pity- it's just how it is.  Having another baby or even two or three or ten wouldn't lessen that feeling of missing HER.  And so, with that, I realize that my family will never exactly feel complete.  At least not in this life.  So praise the Lord that this life isn't where I am putting my hope.

There is a song by Selah called I Will Carry You that has meant so much to me this year:

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies

No more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

Th

Such a beautiful and meaningful song.  I sobbed the first time I heard it.  It so expresses my heart.  I will carry my little girl, and the loss of her, with me all of my life.  Such a short time...such a long road...but there IS a greater story, written long before me, because He loves us like this.  And that's where my hope is still one year later.